Mustache

Ever since I moved up here to Little Bay Root, I’ve been surrounded by facial hair. Beards are everywhere up here: bushy lumberjack beards, long braided goats, porn-tastic mutton chops. Myself, I’ve always been a bit challenged in the facial hair department, but Movember rolled around and I decided to try my hand at farming a mustache.

I’d heard of this ‘Movember’ before. I had gathered that it was just a hipster excuse to grow goofy mustaches and bond over the sharing of their epicness. I googled it, and to my surprise there is a bit more to it than that. There is a whole thing is some kind of tongue-in-cheek hipster charity for prostate cancer. They have a website (beautifully faux rustic) and social network and an app for the smartphones and all those things that indicate that they are serious.

I have to admit that I was intimidated. I don’t have very good facial hair. It doesn’t grow very fast and it isn’t very thick. I am fairly sure that I am incapable of growing a beard of any masculine stature. I can’t even grow sideburns.

So here I was thinking about growing a mustache. I was much too chicken to even register on the Movember site, let alone install the app. I did begin to let my whiskers grow. I went a week without shaving before I even attempted to trim my scruff into a mustache. After that, I trimmed and groomed every few days, slowly trying to coax a decent mustache out of my unruly hair.

I’m at the end of the month, and only now do I begin to have a mustache that might be worthy of the name. Yes. It took me a month to grow a mustache and even now it isn’t exactly lush and full. I could probably work at it for another month or two and still be displeased with the results. Sigh.

Maybe next year I will try again. I might be tempted to cheat and try an early start. Probably I should just admit that I’m not cut out for growing facial hair and concede that scrawny hipsters in their sister’s pants are more macho than me in this particular corner of the manliness contest. I guess that I am fine with that. At least I buy my clothes in the section designated for ‘men.’